Complete Emotional Meltdown

April 4, 2022

What is an Emotional Meltdown? For those that don’t know, I’m glad you asked. Here is what an emotional meltdown is:

“An emotional meltdown is the result of severe, overwhelming emotional distress. Symptoms can range from undisciplined moaning and weeping or uncontrollable rage. It can also be more prolonged, lead to depression and severe anxiety, and cause your moods to swing wildly.” – College of Allied Educators.

Having an emotional meltdown has happened to me more in the last week than in my entire lifetime. I think back to yesterday, and I completely lost my whole emotions after a week of trying to stay calm. Last week, I stayed depressed and had anxiety about someone I care (feeling or showing concern for or kindness to others) for so much. The problem is that the person supposed to support the person with depression should be composed. That’s me. But I failed at it. So I guess my question is, how did I fail at supporting someone with depression when I have depression to deal with? Should I have gotten involved or stayed out of it? I’ve been reading about it, and here is what I found from the Mayo Clinic.

Learn the symptoms of depression

Depression signs and symptoms vary from person to person. They can include:

  • Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
  • Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies, or sports
  • Insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort.
  • Changes in appetite — reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
  • Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness
  • Slowed thinking, speaking, or body movements.
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your responsibility.
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things.
  • Frequent or recurrent mention of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide
  • Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

When I saw this, I had to think about what I was learning. From a distance, what can I detect? I didn’t notice anything from this list. It’s something completely different from what I saw. It’s been four and a half years, and when I first saw it, I knew it then. I didn’t want to reach out because I’ve been through what he went through but in different situations. I left it alone. But sometimes, you have to reach out. Your heart is more significant than your ego. My problem is that I don’t know how to handle depression myself, so why try to bring someone else’s problems when you are barely deal with your own? Instead of helping, I made things worse myself. There were many things during the time that I failed to recognize.

  1. Shutting out the world is common among depressed people. That is definitely me.
  2. Losing a friend that you were friends with for years can strain you. You do not want to talk to people. That is me as well.
  3. Starting a new relationship takes a ton of time. You must develop patience. This is where I fail at.

As I kept reading, I saw a small section on how to self-care.

What you can do for yourself:

  • Learn about depression. The better you understand what causes depression, how it affects people, and how it can be treated, the better you’ll be able to talk to and help the person you care about.
  • Take care of yourself. Supporting someone with depression isn’t easy. Ask other relatives or friends to help, and take steps to prevent becoming frustrated or burned out. Find your own time for hobbies, physical activity, friends, and spiritual renewal.
  • Finally, be patient. Depression symptoms do improve with treatment, but it can take time. Finding the best treatment may require trying more than one type of medication or treatment approach. For some people, symptoms quickly improve after starting treatment. For others, it will take longer.

This past week, I lost control of who I am. I lost control of my emotions. So there is nothing on this list that I did right. Everything I did wrong was all because of my depression, anxiety, and feelings. I didn’t want to eat; I didn’t want to talk to nobody. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and lay there. When I care for someone, I care too hard, sometimes the worst feeling. But also, it is a good thing for the right person. Depression is not about you, it is about that person, and I did not make it. I made it about me, and that’s where I also failed. Learning about depression is so real; it is so necessary. Going in, I had no idea it would be this hard. Friends, when I say it is hard, don’t take it lightly. As a depressed person, I thought I knew this. Well, I was wrong. As a result of my bad behavior, I allowed a person to shut the world out, and I don’t know how to correct it or if I can ever fix it.

But here is why I still get out of bed in the morning. My niece. As an Uncle, she is watching me. I have to be strong regardless, letting her know that this can’t defeat me. I don’t want her to have the same idea to think to give up when it is the time for that. When I’m hurting, I pick up the pieces and move on. She will see mistakes; that’s what I want, but I also want her to correct those mistakes. Dig deep when she wants to learn something. My meltdown on social media was not what I expected. My purpose was to find out how I am a horrible person. What did I do to get stood up for days in a row? I’ll probably never know. As I learn more about myself, one way of coping with my stress is writing it out. I didn’t start this blog to do just devotionals but other things that help with my anxiety. And believe me, I am stressed to the core. My body aches, I can’t focus, and it is hard to do things I want to do. Typing this blog is a start. If I could take something back, I would. I have to learn and move on.

What did I learn?

I am not okay, and that’s fine. I’ll still push through each day to achieve goals. All I can do is wait, and soon as he does reach out, I can tell you I will be there every second of the day. I will put aside everything that has to be done for that day to make time for my friend. That’s what friends do. It is not about having time; it’s about making the time. I’m willing to make time rather if I have it or not. It’s not about me, regardless of how my brain tries to make it. I learned that I have my problems with depression and anxiety through all this. At this point, I’m not sure if I know that this is not a caring issue with my emotional meltdown. Maybe I am being selfish, inconsiderate, and not understanding the situation.

What else did I learn and still learning?

I have to better manage stress and anxiety. I have to learn and practice more patience. It will not work out the first time you start a relationship. I’ve been self-educating myself on beginning relationships and dealing with stress and anxiety. At first, I didn’t think I was stressed. It wasn’t until late last week that I noticed that my dog stayed with me in my room throughout the day while I was working. I knew I was stressed then. He can sense it and would abide by the chair all day long. That’s precisely what he did. I knew I had to start with coping with my stress. This blog was the start of that. Reading was another. The article I read will be on the resources page on the website. Yes, I just created it today to put a website link on it for someone that requested it a website link to advocate for the LGBTQ community. Meanwhile, depression and anxiety are real. I encourage anyone trying to help someone with it to read the article I am putting on the website’s resources page.

Until then, stay productive, yall. Be safe!

-Darren

Shift Your Mindset

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Sincerity Having Peace Darren’s Blog Post. 04/06/2022 5:00pm

An Obstacle Course

I have always been good about not letting distractions get to me. But in the previous blog, I mentioned a distraction that allowed me to do more exercise than intended and find out what it is in the next blog. (https://devotionsonline.blog/2022/03/22/time-to-put-in-the-work/). Here it is.

It is awkward for me to talk about this, but I will say something about it because it can happen to the best of us. At the time, two women got my attention. They work out, take good care of themselves, and are not afraid to show it. Trying to keep my eyes focused didn’t happen the way I wanted. It was unmotivating to continue, but at the same time, it was motivating because the work you put in is the result you get. I hear that you are what you eat; you are what you are studying. If you are working out, your results will show. If you work at what you are learning in life, you will get your desired results. If you eat healthily and maintain a diet, your body will show your results.

My distraction allowed me to temporarily say, “I don’t want to come back anymore.” It honestly did. So instead of not coming back, I decided to change my time of arrival so I won’t have to be distracted. You have to remove distractions to achieve. That’s what I had to do. It worked for the most part. When studying, you have to remove distractions; tv, music, being interrupted, phone. It is no different than anything else you are working on to remove distractions. Because these two ladies distracted me, I had to change my time of coming in. I started working out at home on Sundays because the distraction would drive me not to work out. It was an excellent distraction to continue to work out, but my staring did not help it. So I had to make a change. If you have to make it change, there is nothing wrong with it. Go for it.

Let’s continue on to the week of Monday, September 6, 2021. As a recap, I’m tired of seeing 300+, and I am upset that the workouts are not working out quickly. However, I have to be reminded to be patient and still keep working. I have no workout plan, no weight goals, nothing. I just started working out. It’s a good motivation, but I need to be sure that I am writing this stuff down to follow through and be more successful. You will see my goals here soon. So, here are my workout results for this week. For this week, I burned, on average, 1,192 calories; I worked out for an average of 48 minutes. I didn’t record anything I ate, but I know what I ate only because I eat the same thing. This week, I ate my routine every day. Breakfast: sausage, eggs, hot cereal. Lunch: some days, cottage cheese and grapes or nothing at all. Dinner: Pasta, salad, chicken. It’s a short list, but it varied what type of pasta I ate throughout the week. And I wonder why weight loss is a problem! That’s gonna change, though.

Exercise Result by day:

Monday: 1,305 calories burned, 57 minutes of exercise

Tuesday: 1,375 calories burned, 57 minutes of exercise

Wednesday: 1,132 calories burned, 45 minutes of exercise

Thursday: 1,087 calories burned, 43 minutes of exercise

Friday: 1,130 calories burned, 57 minutes of exercise

Saturday: 1,006 calories burned, 46 minutes of exercise

Sunday: 1,312 calories burned, 36 minutes of exercise

Yesterday, I weighed myself and gained 2lbs. I’m up +2, at 305lbs.

The week of September 13 – September 19: I did not record anything for this week. However, I did record exercises and times. Food is typical for me to remember because I don’t change my eating habits. Well, not yet. I’ll start off with food this week. Breakfast: sausage, eggs, hot cereal, this time oatmeal. Lunch: either cottage cheese and grapes or nothing. Dinner: Meat, a little bit of pasta, and salad. It was more meat this time. Chicken, Turkey burgers, baked chicken, etc. Keep in mind that I’m not really changing my eating habits. I’m going to work out without a plan. Let’s look at the stats for the week. I burned an average of 1,521 calories this week and exercised an average of 72 minutes. Nothing changed from the standpoint of a machine; I’m still doing the treadmill and the stationary bike.

Results by the day

Monday: 1,157 calories burned, 56 minutes of exercise

Tuesday: 1,380 calories burned, 51 minutes of exercise

Wednesday: 1,222 calories burned, 51 minutes of exercise

Thursday: 1,678 calories burned, 85 minutes of exercise

Friday: 1,748 calories burned, 86 minutes of exercise

Saturday: 1,774 calories burned, 93 minutes of exercise

Sunday: 1,685 calories burned, 88 minutes of exercise

Yesterday, I weighed myself and dropped 2lbs. I am currently at 303lbs. Yeah, big deal. My problem is I can’t get under 300lbs. So I’m not surprised by this but am motivated to make some plans to start trending down.

The week of September 20: The week started out that I wanted to make plans after learning that I had lost weight. But I didn’t do it until Wednesday. So I talked with my Mom (a former exercise fitness trainer), and we made some suggestions for a better diet, and I went ahead and made plans for my weight goals on Wednesday. Let me tell you about my Mom real quick. She is called drill Sargent by me. And the reason why I call her that is as kids; she used to wake all 3 of us up in the morning at 5:00am and go jogging around the apartment complex, which is the size of a football field. If I remember correctly, we only ran around the complex once to start, and as we got used to it, we did it twice. Did you figure out how I got my habit of waking up so early? Anyways, that’s when the real change started for me! But getting through this week will be a challenge. Even though I planned out my week with weight loss goals, I wasn’t confident in losing weight. I pushed on anyway. Here are my results of exercising and calories burned this week. On average, I burned 1,507 calories and exercised for 68 minutes.

Weight Loss Plans and Exercises 09/22/2021

Results by the Day

Monday: 1,660 calories burned, 100 minutes of exercise

Tuesday: 1,677 calories burned, 92 minutes of exercise

Wednesday: 1,585 calories burned, 89 minutes of exercise

Thursday: 1,371 calories burned, 56 minutes of exercise

Friday: 1,355 calories burned, 46 minutes of exercise

Saturday: 1,391 calories burned, 55 minutes of exercise

Sunday: 1,125 calories burned, 38 minutes of exercise

I weighed myself on Sunday; I dropped another 2lbs. I’m down to 301lbs. Ok, this is getting better, but the results are still slow to me. Let’s see what happened for the final week of September going into October.

Week of September 27: I didn’t record a lot here either. The reason being is I didn’t have anything significant to write since I haven’t crossed the 300lbs threshold that’s been preventing me from working out. But there is hope, so instead of writing, I just continued to work out. So here are my results. On average, I burned 1,567 calories and did 74 minutes of exercise.

Results by day:

Monday: 1,579 calories burned, 78 minutes of exercise

Tuesday: 1,417 calories burned, 76 minutes of exercise

Wednesday: 1,633 calories burned, 78 minutes of exercise

Thursday: 1,594 calories burned, 78 minutes of exercise

Friday: 1,693 calories burned, 77 minutes of exercise

Saturday: 1,623 calories burned, 77 minutes of exercise

Sunday: 1,430 calories burned, 55 minutes of exercise

On Sunday, I weighed myself and finally got down under 300lbs. I weighed 299. I lost 2 more pounds. I was elated! I was amazed that even though I was confident that I would not get under 300lbs, I still stuck to it. You keep working hard to get to where you want to be. Folks, stay productive!

Time to Put in the Work

The week of August 22nd – September 26th of 2021

I am writing this today, March 22nd of the year 2022. As I sit here preparing to write this blog, I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee and reading over the journal I’m keeping during my weight journey. The one thing I have to work on is more detail. I see why people tell me to “use your words, Darren.” Now I see why. I’m not good at this. I hit and miss a lot of things on this journal. Thank God I have a decent memory of knowing some things that happened. Still, not everything I remember, so not everything will be in detail. According to what I wrote, I noticed that it’s by week and not by day, and most of my entries are like this. But I’m glad I did this way because I can get through it faster, get caught up, and stay current. Also, I noticed that this stretches across an entire month and five days; then, I started logging by week again. I’m going to break it down, so it won’t be this long, overbearing blog post trying to catch up. But let’s see here, I have other records such as recorded exercise times and calories burned. I’ll have those to depend on as well.

The weekend, August 21st, I didn’t go to the gym that day or Sunday so I could rest. However, I did cut grass and logged in some exercise time. I burned 835 calories on Saturday. On my last blog, “About ME,” I’m weird, if you haven’t noticed. I cut my grass on two separate days. Either on Friday or Saturday, I cut the front yard; on Saturday or Sunday, I cut the backyard. I do this for two reasons: (1) I don’t like gas lawn mowers in or around the house. Even though I don’t have a shed, I wouldn’t put a gas tin or a gas mower in it. I don’t like flammable liquid, so I use an electric or battery-operated mower. (2) The battery on my lawnmower is small and takes some time to charge. So to make it easier on myself, I cut the front yard, let it charge, and then hit the backyard the next day. On Sunday, the 22nd, I logged 853 calories and only 5 minutes of exercise. I was upset because it took roughly 30 minutes to cut the backyard. I guess my heart rate didn’t qualify as exercise minutes.

I weighed myself, and I stayed within the 300-pound limit. To be exact, 303 pounds. At this point, I am tired of seeing 300+ pounds. Even though I only did five days of exercise, I felt that exercising was not helping. The frustration of losing weight had been going on for some years now. My lack of patience showed because I am still in the 300-pound range. Seven years ago, I didn’t have this problem. I went on a vegan diet where I ate no meat and dairy products. Everything I ate was plant-based. I was in the best shape of my life and felt terrific. I had so much energy. I would go out for a 6-mile run in the morning, work an 11-hour shift, go and run a 4-mile evening run, work my second job for two hours and then do it all over again. I’m planning on going back to that lifestyle. In saying all this, I realized a couple of things: (1) I’m just starting this, so I have to keep working on it. (2) I have to keep emphasizing patience. In the first week of working out, I burned an average of 1,077 calories and exercised on average 37 minutes. The only day I didn’t work out was the 24th because I caught my niece’s cold. Fun fact? As I am writing this out today, March 22, 2022, I still catch her colds, and I am recovering from one now.

As we go into a new week starting from August 29th – September 4th, not too much changed from the previous week as in different routines. I’m eating two meals, still getting up at 4am, getting water down, and always asking myself, “what am I thankful for?” Let me be honest. I did not go into exercising with a plan. I just started exercising without a plan. I realized this week that I need a plan to pursue my goals. So, my goal now is to make a plan. Goal to lose each week, the current weight at the beginning of the week, and ending of the week. But as of now, I am focused on making sure I get up and get going. The food I ate this week was some hot cereal and protein meat, sometimes eggs. For dinner, a salad and another source of protein. This week, I burned, averaging 1,092 calories, and exercised on average 40 minutes. This weekend (September 4th and 5th), I did a workout because I was on a roll, felt good, and was addicted. If there is an addiction to have, exercising is one of them. I am still on the treadmill and the cycling machine, both on the weekday and on the weekend, rotating off the treadmill one day and the cycle machine the other day. Oh, but I did a cycle and a treadmill workout on Sunday. There is a reason for that. It’s a reason I didn’t expect because I stayed focused. Find out what it is on the next blog why I did do a 10-minute workout on the bike when it is supposed to be a light workout weekend.

About ME!!!!

Sunday, March 20, 2022 & Monday March 21, 2022

I have a separate page that I have that is about me, but it is vague. So I can hear people say, “I have to do better than basic information,” or “use your words, Darren.” Okay, fine, I’ll do that now. There are some things that I am saying here that some people do not know about me that I am sharing with you. I type blogs every day; nobody doesn’t know anything about me other than what is on my about me page. So the goal today is to let it all out; who I am and my life. Well, I’ll do my best. I struggle with opening up, and I’m about to sure try it now.

I’m Darren Watts, no middle name, born on Friday, February 5, 1988. So yeah, that means I’m 34 years old. So scary. I started my mid-life crisis at midnight on February 5, 2022. I have an older sister and an older brother. I do have a niece; she is a year old now. She is growing up so fast. My only niece, no nephews, and I have never been married. I don’t take pictures, I only take pictures when I’m forced.

Aaleeyah Derren Watts on January 2022
Aaleeyah Derren Watts on January 2022
Aaleeyah Derren Watts on January 2022

What about me that I would instead write than talk about? Well, I’m single; I love to write and read. My idea of fun is being a homebody losing myself either in writing or reading a good book. I love to exercise, although I complain about it all the time. Exercising is more than being active for me; it is a stress reliever. I do two podcasts. One is Double Take Sports Talk with The Watts Brothers. It is a sports podcast that my brother and I do, talking and sometimes debating different topics from professional aspects, specialty in NBA and NFL. It’s fun; it is a stress reliever to talk things out sometimes. It’s the same with my podcast I do by myself; Afternoon Coffee Break with Darren Watts. However, I talk about discrimination and racism in America and touch on some topics outside the USA. There are many things I needed to say and couldn’t keep in no more. So I started a podcast after journaling a lot of things. Writing out both podcasts is time-consuming but is rewarding at the same time. I feel some accomplishment to be able to share your opinion on something, fact-check things, and share facts.

I’m more of a spiritual person than I am a Christian. I believe in God; I follow Christian principles but consider myself spiritual. I’m open-minded to politics, relationships, ideas, new opportunities. As for the relationship aspect, I don’t have a lot of friends. I can count on one hand how many friends I have. There are a lot of associates than friends. I’m open to having friends if it feels right. I have been single for the last 10 years, and I plan to make it another decade unless God says it is time. But I know I have to straighten myself up. To be honest, I would love friends that are broken. My biggest turn-off is when someone thinks they are perfect. That’s an automatic deal-breaker. I am broken, so why can’t I have friends that are broken? That is not perfect. It shows there are humans, not robots.

I have issues in my life that I have to work on. Everybody does. My problem could explain why I am not in a relationship. I’m addicted to pornography. I first viewed pornography during my teenage years, curious about the human body, and went in the wrong direction with it. It’s been 52 days since I viewed any pornography. The mental health aspect of this? Pornography ruined me. I stayed isolated from people; I stayed in bad moods. But since I took a stand and stopped viewing it, I have changed a lot every day. Yes, I have been in relationships; I can count that on my one hand, just three. One of my relationships involved a married woman; that was my last relationship ten years ago. The worst two years of my life. My advice? Don’t do it. If you are okay with being a side piece, then by all means. But if you are looking for something meaningful, wait until it is time with someone else. My other two relationships happened in high school and only lasted a length of an entire school year. I occupy my time doing these blogs, other writing, and reading books; my favorite books are fictional mystery books, mainly James Patterson’s book. To self-educate, I read educational books to enhance my skills.

I’m introverted; I recharge at home, alone time in my room lights out. But I’m not going to let that stop me from having meaningful conversations with people that wouldn’t mind having one. I would love to have those conversations with you. If it is not a significant or deep conversation, I will lose interest. My anxiety flares up when I am in a group conversation of more than 4 people. I automatically shut down without reason. Otherwise, I’m a gamer on the Playstation platform. When I need to problem solve, plan my day, I play Madden Football and NBA 2K. When I just need to let off steam after having a bad day or just want ideas, I play Grand Theft Auto V and go online and unleash havoc.

Other things that I like? Let’s see; I love pasta, potatoes, and my favorite snack, Praline Pecans. Things I don’t like? Someone evil, have hatred in their hearts for others, and attention-seeking people. When I’m not reading a book, writing, or doing my hobbies, I watch two tv shows. Matlock and the Golden Girls. I have the entire series of Matlock on DVD and the whole series of the Golden Girls on DVD. These are the two tv shows I will watch forever and will never get burned out. Oh, not to mention crime tv shows. I’ll watch those all day too.

Well, that is all for me for now. If you are comfortable, I would love to talk with you. There are numerous ways to contact me. I almost feel like I am a multi-personality person because of the different emails about conversations. But if you want to talk spiritual:
sincerityhavingpeace@devotionsonline.blog

If it is world issues you like to talk about:
darren@afternooncoffeebreakwithdarren.com

If it is a sports-related conversation:
darren.watts@doubletakesportstalk.com

Or if you prefer a personal conversation:
dwdwatts14@hotmail.com

If you prefer to drop a comment below, help yourself!

If you like to game with me and have a PlayStation 4, my Gamertag is StreakyWater14.

I’m organized with things, and I am weird for doing that. Try not to judge me for that. It’s a way to not make myself insane. But thank you for your time. You can be anywhere globally, but you are right here reading this. I surely appreciate your time. Take care.

-Darren

Out of my Comfort Zone

Friday, March 18, 2022

For the first time in my life, I’m about to do something out of my comfort zone. What I am about to write is authentic, but I don’t want anybody to take it the wrong way or out of context. It is in my heart to write this out. It should be in my journal, but writing this in my journal is not enough for me. What I want to accomplish here is to get this off my chest and share something I don’t always share. I keep most of my feelings to myself, but today, I have to release this feeling I have. I want to bring attention without making anybody feel uncomfortable. Still, I don’t have the guts to say it to everybody or one person.

Two months ago, my eyes and soul were amazed at the writing I saw. But, of course, everybody that writes blogs has a unique writing style. I love coming on to WordPress to see the writing people have. I am blessed to be able to witness writing that is different from authors that write books and publishes them. But unfortunately, some people believe that the blog writing world is not practical. I’m afraid I have to disagree with this statement for those who say it because they never read true, creative blogs. What people don’t understand is that blogs can be helpful for information or for those who want to share their talents in writing. People thrive off information and different ideas to help them. I saw a lot on WordPress, and the people I follow are impressive and talented creative writers. But, unfortunately, everybody I follow makes my blogs look amateurish, like a fish out of water. Yet, I can tell the amount of work people put into their blogs to make it such a fantastic piece of writing. Creative writers that write short stories are outstanding. You may need to hear this. But, if you feel like me, please don’t because everybody’s writing is perfect. I can’t get on to everybody’s writing post to thank them and tell them how much I enjoy their writing but know your work is unnoticed. A lot of time and effort goes into each written post, and that is time you will never get back. So, if you hear people talk about blogs are not practical, take it with a grain of salt.

I’m not particularly eager to single anybody out, but I have to. My real reason for writing this is that one person sticks out to me. I’m not calling out this person. I don’t know this person, but it feels like I have known them for a long time. This person stands out after reading short stories that I don’t read. They have a way with their words, and I feel refreshed after reading them. This person is talented at what they do. Every time they put out a new short story or creative writing, there is a renewed sense of writing in me. But I never go through with creative writing because I don’t have it in me to write a short story or do some creative writing. But this person releases a temporary beast in me to do writing, but I stop and never finish. This person inspires me, and I admire this person every day. They will never know that unless I tell them personally, which I never do. I’m not good with words, which may be jibberish to many of you because what goes on in my head never comes out write (right) on paper. This person has my heart and soul when it comes to writing. It is hard to explain why I’m attracted to their writing. Maybe they are going through something I can relate to, or this person is a soulmate and doesn’t realize it. I honestly don’t know. If anybody reads my blogs, I don’t open up to people, and it is hard for me to do that.

I don’t feel any better, but this is a start because there are plenty of things I should be saying. Unfortunately, my ego is in the way, and that is fine. At least I did this much. There may be another post with more; there may not be. But this is where I will stop. Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read this, and thank you to everyone who writes blogs. You guys rock!

-Darren

The Test Is On!

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Sincerity Having Peace Instagram Post for Darren’s Blogs. 02/07/2022 8:00am

The Test is on!

It’s time to roll! It’s 4:00 am. A completely different attitude! Here is a question that I will ask every day. What am I thankful for? I’m thankful for a home, my blogs, ability to study, my podcast work, ability to play with numbers on Microsoft Excel. These are the bare basics I am thankful for. This is why I wake up in the morning, the reason why I drink water to start the day and get going. This type of motivation is what got me 4,390 steps today, 32 minutes of exercise, and burned 1,018 calories. Taking the time to remember what to be thankful for helping boost my attitude. Getting up at four in the morning is not a pleasurable objective to do, especially while winter is slowly coming upon us. I took 15 minutes each on the treadmill and cycle. Breakfast, snack, and dinner is still a must; I need fuel for the rest of the day. Breakfast is hot cereal and sausage patties. To hold off until dinner, I ate cottage cheese and grapes. I spent the rest of the day working on blogs, preparing for one of my podcasts tonight, and preparing for the other podcast set to record on Friday.

Thursday, August 19, 2021

It’s 4:00 am, and now it’s time to answer the question I said I would answer every day. What am I thankful for? Let’s try something different this time. Although I complain about it because of my poor choices and lack of self-discipline, I am thankful for my health. I am thankful to the Lord for waking me up this morning, and his continued love to make sure I am safe during my most vulnerable times. I am thankful he provides for me and is always there. The more I focus on him, things fall into place. I get up after being thankful, drink my water, and I’m on my way out the door. I get to the gym a little after 5:00 am and start my routine. I stretched in the parking lot because I didn’t feel prepared. I felt stiff. To be honest, it felt like an excuse to try to back out of exercising. Also, I didn’t want to be around other people when exercising. That is fine heart, but I am going to ignore that excuse and go to work on these exercise machines. As many times as anxiety flared, I got through it, and I don’t want to be the reason for why I have a heart attack or health problem because I listened to everything you say. So, I go in and do my duties of exercising. The cycle and treadmill, which I split 15 between the two, totaling 30 minutes. I got my first award since 2016 using the fitness app on the iPhone. The award is 7-Workout Week. If you don’t have an iPhone, it is seven workouts of at least five minutes each in a week alone. To me, that is a true accomplishment for starting to exercise.

Change Your Attitude!

Monday, August 16, 2021

Sincerity Having Peace Instagram Post. 01/07/2022

I hear the 4:00 am alarm going off. Ugh, I complained, getting out of bed to get my water chugged down for the day. Calories burn goal? Check! Exercise goal? Check! Stand goal? Check! At this point, I needed to wake up as the water didn’t kick in yet. I got ready and was out the door by 5:00 am. I’m still dragging a bit, but I got to the gym and started working out. First thing first, I got on the treadmill, then the bike. Did both of them for 20 minutes. I felt good but in a lot of back pain, mainly my lower back. It goes back to my stomach carrying my back, which is why I’m at the gym in the first place. I burned 1,174 calories and did 42 minutes of exercise. I’m determined to change this attitude of mine. I went home, showered, changed clothes, and sure enough, went into the kitchen and ate everything, including breakfast. I will say that exercise does build up an appetite, but what I’m eating won’t help me. Sure, the breakfast was okay, protein such as sausage, eggs, and hot cereal. The rest of the day, snacking as usual. Food addiction is a growing pain to stop the addiction. It is up to me to change the most challenging addiction in the world for me; food. I accept the challenge!

Encouragement

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Ugh! Here we go again. The 4:00 am alarm going off. I took a minute and had to set something straight with myself. I’m battling two complex issues here. One, the lack of motivation. If I am going to achieve my goals, I have to be more optimistic about it. Ready to get up in the morning, ready to chug down water, and prepared to stretch to start out the day. Basically, I have to turn myself into a morning person. Waking up negatively will not help me. Two, the food addiction. The more I wake up in a lousy mood, unmotivated with no purpose, the more I’ll eat. Depression leads to me eating. That’s why food is an addiction, and motivation is difficult to maintain. I finally got up, stretched, drank my water, read a little bit, and felt good afterward, ready to hit the gym.

There is something about me a lot of people don’t know. I have social anxiety. I went to counseling a couple of times and then stopped because of my fear. I felt judged by my counselor, and that bothered me. So I stopped getting treatment. Going to the gym does not help the situation because it is terrifying. Group chats are difficult for me. Social gatherings such as church bother me. You name it; it probably affects me. Doing things in the morning while everybody is sleeping is essential for me. Reading and exercising is helps me cope with social anxiety a little. But enough to get me out there and get going before everybody else shows up. I got to the gym with very few people there and did the usual treadmill and bicycling. I did 15 minutes on the treadmill and 23 minutes on the cycle. I burned 1,005 calories for the day and did a total of 38 minutes of exercising. I really feel good now; working out the stress, tension, and sweat with my body really got me going. I realize that hard work is not so bad if you allow yourself to do it. I went home and ate breakfast, and showered as usual, but what changed was, I didn’t snack throughout the day. I drank water and waited until dinner to eat. Is this the beginning of the process I’ve been missing?

Source: https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/social-phobia

The Excuses

The Complaining

Darren’s Blog Instagram Post. 01/05/2022

Monday, July 19, 2021

It’s hard enough to get motivated when you are 6’0, 309 lbs. At this time, I was 299 lbs. I gained all of it back and more. Today was one of those days I wanted to exercise, but my excuse was my back. What was my motivation to start the day? Breakfast and two cups of coffee. I realized I made more excuses for exercising than eating breakfast in the morning. I’m want to get the weight off my stomach so my back will stop hurting. There is currently no diet; I’m eating sweets and junk food and working on drinking a gallon of water a day to wash or cleanse my body, which I admit I’ve done good up to this point. Here is my excuse, drinking water is my way of losing weight without hard work.

I’m not kidding; that’s precisely what I wrote. That was my truth then. Now, I realize it is the biggest lie known to humankind. It’s the complaining, the excuses I kept making to not want to put in the work to lose the weight. It is called laziness. If I am not willing to put in the work, what is the point? When I don’t drink water, I feel like crap. I have no energy, brain frog, irritable, and a day wasted because I don’t have the energy to do anything. I feel more energized, relaxed, and productive when I drink water. Now, all of this is true, but I am still making excuses for why I shouldn’t exercise. Besides going to work, other ways of being productive are self-education. I am productive by working on my blogs, writing, podcasts, Microsoft Excel projects, and reading. So how am I going to get back on track? Start my water intake in the morning and start my exercise. Let’s see if I do that.

The Decision

Sunday, August 15, 2021

It’s about a month later, not too much happened. Weight fluctuated between July and August. I never did exercise other than lift weights once a week, if not at all. There was no motivation at all. I enjoyed the food I ate, so I wasn’t complaining only when I had to walk, and my back started hurting. Well, what are you going to do, Darren? Continue to make excuses or do something about it?

Weight Fluctuation Chart

I just had Sunday dinner. Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, green beans, garlic cheese bread, and meatloaf. I accepted eating all this food in the past few years, especially now. But, unfortunately, I didn’t move around to help keep my weight in check. The fact is, I was heading towards a danger zone, too heavy to walk, health complications, everything. On this day, I’m 6’0, 305 lbs. So, things got to change, and I have to be the one to make those changes. So, I decided on August 16; I would go back to the gym. I don’t have a plan; all I know is I’m getting on a machine and will use it. I have no plans, all these ideas, but no plans. Ideas such as fasting, tracker, diet plans. How am I going to put all this into play? I don’t know, but I do know that I am desperate. Tomorrow will be the day of change. About a month ago, I said the same thing. Will history repeat itself?

Introduction to Darren’s Blogs

Sunday August 15, 2021. The Decision.

Hi friends! On top of doing daily devotional blogs studying the Bible, I want to introduce my personal blog. I see so many discouragements on social media about body imaging and shaming. I have two goals with my personal blogs.

  1. I want to share my weight loss journey in detail. The discouragement, choices, and giving up to change it all around. Sharing your weight loss journey can be done without body shaming and by talking about the real issue; the encouragement to do it.
  2. I want to share my goals to let everyone know you can do whatever you put your mind to. Instead of watching others down you, it’s time to get up and go for your goals.

I’ll talk about my struggles, strengths, and how I set those goals and still be encouraged without seeing pictures like you see on social media. I will start from the beginning of my weight loss journey and work my way to the most current day. Enjoy!